Do You Get Caught Up in the Game of False Guilt?

Do you find yourself often saying "I need to . . . " or "I should..."  (fill in the blank).

We have many needs. Some are real. We need housing, food, water, clothing. We also need relationships, wisdom, and balanced mental health. We need exercise, to clean our home, and to buy groceries.

Other needs are fabrications; you see a TV show and you covet what the actors are doing and their fictitious relationships. You read online articles about others and wish for their life. You scroll Facebook and start comparing yourself to others.

It's important to live in reality--in the purpose God made you for--and to recognize fantasy, coveting, and worldly voices when you come across them. 

When you say "I should..." that's another example of being tempted into a life other than God has planned for you. It's like living under a harsh taskmaster. The word "should" is a control word when used against others. When you say he or she or you should be doing... it implies that you think you know what another person should be doing or that you're not doing enough.

Put your should in check. 

God is graceful, gentle, peaceful, and doesn't care about half the things you think you or another person should be doing. God can nudge you or another person with the plan of action he has in mind and speak directly to you or them. Are you patient to wait for him to do that? 

It's easy to fall into a mindset of guilt and pressure, criticizing yourself for not doing more, not eating better, not getting enough done in a day, and so on. No, we aren't to be lazy or inactive. Faith without works is dead. But acting in faith over force is much better.  

Choose peace, pacing, and gentleness as you go through your day. Put down false guilt, and don't throw false guilt onto those around you.  

The Half-Life Reflection

I've been following some interesting stories on Twitter X where victims of abuse are finally telling their stories. There is no timeline as to when a person becomes triggered by a past experience or sees a need to share their story. There is no timeline for when a memory returns.

Often, a person sees a why for telling their story. They feel sharing the details will help them release the final remnants of the memory. Something in them wants others to know what they went through. And I agree with this as I have felt that way at times as well. I also agree with the idea that memories can fade to trick us over time. So we must be careful in the story we tell.

Some of the events being shared on Twitter happened years ago. At the time, with no social media to broadcast on, individuals handled life alone unable to pay the cost of therapy or unable to get past the stigma attached to "seeing a shrink". Or, they did not fully understand the issue then, but gained clarity later in life.

As for social media--in some cases, it didn't exist at the time of a person's trauma. Now it is our community centre.

*The World Wide Web became available April 30, 1993
*Google was founded on September 4, 1998
*Facebook was created February 4, 2004
*Twitter was created in March 2006

A story told now that is 20, 30, or even 40 years old is not any less vital to tell than one that just occurred. Or do you disagree?

An acquaintance of mine is sharing her story on this blog and in a memoir she wrote a couple of years ago. Perhaps you will support her by reading her story.

What story do you have to tell? Have you written your story into a blog or ebook? Have you shared it on social media or with a professional therapist? Is it time to share those details?

Time to Change Some Habits or Routines?

We do many things in life out of habit or routine. Some routines are good for us. They provide context and stability. Others need to change based on life phase. 

During different seasons, I have varying habits and routines. I set different rules for myself in winter than in summer. I have different rules for myself when doing paid projects with deadlines than I have now in semi-retirement. 

Some habits have to do with our mindset in that we default to a certain way of thinking. We can think in black and white instead of grey. We might default to saying no too often, to thinking why we can't do something, to making excuses, and more. It is important to keep our thoughts in check to see if they are serving us in the best way possible. 

 

Christian women want to excel and do our best for God, our family, and mankind. Sometimes that means breaking old habits and mindsets and developing new ones. 

A Christian speaker I listen to shared that rather than focus on the old habit or routine, we should simply start a new one and the old one will be quickly pushed aside. That sounds like good advice! Is it doable?

Old habits do need a replacement habit if we're to truly break away and move forward. Old thoughts need to be dismissed in favour of more helpful, positive thoughts. 

Habit change requires:

1. recognizing which old habit, routine, or mindset it's time to change
2. recognizing a new habit to put in its place
3. recognizing what the new habit might do for us.
4. implementing the new habit gracefully and consistently with patience
5. realizing a shift will occur that may feel uncomfortable

 

Artwork by Rosalie Garde 

• Have you identified some habits to change? 
• Do you need to adopt some new ways of thinking? 
• Have you asked God if there are any new habits or routines he wants you to adopt?

What will you begin with?

Pace Yourself

Let me add, I've learned a lot in the last few years about my need to pace myself. I have chronic fatigue. I can't do what I could at 30. I believe in making choices that will serve me and not overwhelm me. I believe in sustainable changes. 

When making plans for change, do consider your personal time, energy level, and ability to sustain the new habit change. This is why life coaches like to use the term baby step. It's okay to take one small step at a time over plunging in to make quick habit changes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Examples of possible habit changes:

• Watch the time you spend on social media and limit it.
• Catch yourself when beginning to feel angry and reframe what is triggering you.
• Put items away after using them.
• Compliment people more often.
• Run your Roomba more often.
• Tidy your desk weekly.
• Pray before letting your mind get worked up.
• Put laundry away as it's done. 
• Quit second-guessing yourself. 
• Analyze what might be adding unnecessary stress to your life. 
• Incorporate mindfulness or meditation into your daily routine to reduce stress.
• Prioritize regular physical activity, even if it's just a short walk or some light stretching.
• Prioritize healthy sleep.
• Quit the constant search for better and be content and thankful for all you have.
• Pat yourself on the back more frequently.

Unfortunate Abuser Protection Tactics Used in the Church

The church is being sifted it seems. I follow numerous USA accounts on 'X' (formerly Twitter) and am shocked by the recent surge in reports exposing various forms of abuse within the church. Some instances date back years, only now coming to light. The range of abuses includes pedophilia, sexual abuse, abuse of power, financial exploitation, and more.

Lori Adams-Brown, Podcast Host & Exec Producer posted an inciteful thread on her X account on February 2, 2024, calling out tactics used by what she calls predapastors to gaslight or silence followers.

Adams-Brown's thread is incredibly significant and warrants sharing. It's crucial to pay close attention and assess whether you might be in an environment that exhibits such concerning traits within the church you frequent.

Adams-Brown says, "Predapastors groom their congregations so when their abuse is exposed and/or they are arrested for their crimes, the congregation knows exactly what to say to control the narrative, silence whistleblowers, and rally behind the abusive pastor. 

"I hear these things often:

1. “We are praying for the pastor.” (This centers on the abuser, not the victims.)

2. “There are people out to get him.” (#DARVO 2 make u believe the abuser is a victim)

3. “The accuser is trying to use this to build their career.” (This is an easy sell if the accuser is a woman.)"

(Break here to give readers the definition of #DARVO:

#DARVO

Deny

Attack

Reverse the roles of

Victim & Offender

A tactic used to avoid taking responsibility & shifting blame onto their victim.)

Adams-Brown goes on,

4. “God has forgiven the pastor.” (Implying you should also forgive, forget and be business as usual too.) 

5. “God has big plans for the pastor.” (Grandiosity to distract from abuse.) 

6. “Who among us hasn’t sinned?” (Downplaying abuse/crime.) 

7. “We shouldn’t judge.” (#DARVO)

8. “We need to be unified.” (Culty language not to unify around the victim, but around abuser, intended to silence #whistleblowers.)

9. “Spiritual warfare,” or “God wants to do big things, and it needs to start with us.” (Using fear to imply you are on the wrong side if u speak.)

10. “We have to change this way of thinking that is judgmental.” (Get in line, and don’t talk about Bruno.)

11. “We are no one. The only one who can judge is God.” (Worm theology.)"

An added post from X user Joan,

"12. There are still good things happening here. People are getting saved. Look at the bigger picture. This is just the work of the enemy going after our church because we are doing such a good work."

These are good cautions for us all. Let us be vigilant and discerning in our faith communities. The revelations surfacing demand our attention and call for collective introspection. 

May this awareness prompt us to foster environments of transparency, accountability, and support within our churches. Together, let's strive for a community that stands against any form of abuse, ensuring the well-being of all its members.

I was reviewing an old blog post and decided to reprint much of it here. 

In a previous year, I received this book, 

Divine And Perfect Order, A Companion Journal: 

52 Simple Truths, Simple Tools & Simple Words of 

Wisdom for Your Life

bySusan Day

as a Christmas present (from myself). Yes, I often wrap things up and put them under the tree for myself to open on Christmas day. When I was handed this particular book to unwrap, I had actually forgotten about it, so it was a pleasant surprise!

I was immediately impressed with the layout. Before gift-giving continued I was already immersed in reading Susan's heartfelt introduction.  

At first glance, the lessons may seem simple, as they are truths that I already know. It can be tempting to quickly read through the book since it is short and concise, but instead, I have chosen to pause and re-read each chapter repeatedly. I've glanced at the first four chapters and each time I've re-read them I've been challenged.

Divine and Perfect Order (DAPO) is like a cross between a devotional and a journal. The author reminds us that nothing catches God by surprise, and we are never alone in this journey... "Everything is DAPO." (Divine and Perfect Order.) 

Each section includes thoughts to reflect on, scripture, a simple tool to use, action steps to take, and a place for journalling. Susan suggests, as a child of God, everything is happening in your life, when and how it is meant to. It is a good tool for building your faith.

A Few Questions Posed 

The first chapter asks us to list examples of synchronicity that have defied explanation in our lives. I have had many of those moments this past year and even recently. Have you?

I'm comforted by the truth that God is in control and I'm intrigued with what Susan has written. I'm captivated by the idea that the clarity and peace I seek might be behind a door I didn't think to open. Now my mind is scurrying to think of what door I might not have opened.  Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I'm also intrigued by the sentence that says God has the answer to the question I've been asking.  That made me think of how many questions I ask God, myself, my cat, dog, husband, or other person in a day. I realize God wants to help answer all my questions.  

If you are interested in obtaining this book, you can find buying information here and in Canada, here. 

(note the shipping charges)

  

We Resist Waiting, But It May be God's Plan for Us

I recently posted this article on a desire to find life purpose (knowing how to invest myself) and balance once again. I ended the article by pointing out that life is full of ongoing change, and ultimately, leading a purposeful life revolves around maintaining hope in God.

God will lead us where he wants us next, in due time. That means, instead of striving to find that next thing, we can focus on what is in front of us while listening to his still small voice.

I admit, at the time I wrote that article, I was in a mood where I didn't feel I was doing enough. Christmas had passed. The calendar had turned. I felt overcome by the darkness of winter. But no matter what I might try, I could not bring on spring or a fabulous new revelation. I'd have to wait. 

In moments of processing feelings like this, it's easy to mistake anxious thoughts for reality. There are so many online articles, guru posts, and books that lead us to believe we should constantly be busy, that we should get out of our comfort zone, and that we need to fix ourselves. But we need to be mindful that some feelings are merely passing mental constructs. We don't always have to be attempting to improve ourselves!

Rest, Restoration, and Hibernation

What if God has called us to a season of rest and restoration?

Back in September while seeking God's leading, I was given a plan. He said to be a REBEL - to rest, recover, restore, and just be (for a season). I had embraced the term "semi-retired" to ease into a more relaxed life phase. But God didn't tell me how long to stay in this relaxed phase and I was getting fidgety.

Breakdown of what 'Be a Rebel' means.

I joked at times that I was hibernating since it's winter right now. When humans refer to themselves as "hibernating", they typically mean taking a break and preferring to engage in less strenuous or demanding activities for a certain period. The goal is to take time for rest, recuperation, and reflection.

This is true for many who live in a four-season climate. I work hard physically during spring, summer, and fall, caring for my yard and gardens. By November, I'm ready for downtime.

Many women take January to re-evaluate life and make plans for going forward. And there is nothing wrong with temporarily slowing down and taking a break from the usual hustle and bustle.

Where Does Restlessness Fit In?

But we are a people of forward movement. So it makes sense that with the turn of the calendar, I would go into evaluation mode.

Our pastor asked us to spend January fasting and praying. I decided on a spiritual practice of praying in the sauna at my massage therapist's spa once weekly for 30 minutes. With the first session, I became very aware of my inability to sit still to concentrate. I constantly had to redirect my focus back to the present. This revelation was glaring. I asked: Could this be how I am in everyday life? Always distracted? Years ago, my mother-in-law had said, "You never sit still". Perhaps she knew more about me than I knew about myself.

It was a good lesson to learn!

Back to the Restless Moods of Women

Feeling restless and determined to take action can sometimes lead to positive results. At other times, it can cause negative feelings such as self-loathing, depression, and overthinking.

The feeling of chronic restlessness might be based on the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) on our best life which is fear-based which is never good.

The website Got Questions: Your Questions. Biblical Answers says this about restlessness:

"Restlessness has been a part of human experience since civilization began. Part of God’s curse on Cain for murdering his brother Abel was this: “You will be a restless wanderer on the earth” (Genesis 4:12). Cain would never find rest and peace in any one place."

"The psalmist describes his restlessness like this: “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” (Psalm 42:11)"

And so, in my restlessness, I scoured the Internet for new activities I could get involved in. In so doing, I met many blockages and also had a check in my spirit about one involvement. Then both my husband and I began having car troubles--the batteries in each vehicle were dying every couple of days. One event required we call a tow truck in -25 C weather.

The decision was made--until we had our batteries replaced, I would stay home except to go for walks. I was forced back into my comfort zone.

And that is sometimes how God works allowing external circumstances to hem us in.

I decided my time of hibernation is not over. And that's okay. Being okay with where we are is actually a cure for restlessness.

One of the most memorable statements in Scripture on this theme is when the Apostle Paul said,“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation“ (Philippians 4:12).