Is it Grief, or is it Unmet Needs?

 

Last year's sedum and petunias 
in my garden

ON GRIEF:

Posted by "Mindful Christianity"

In one of my ebooks, I mentioned grief. I emphasized we grieve many things throughout life, events as simple as dropping a delicious sandwich on the floor by mistake. The grief, in that case, is momentary. And then there is more long-term grief due to the loss of a loved one or a beloved pet. 

Today, I'm delving into the topic of grief, drawing from my own experiences with it over the past seven years. Through introspection and writing, I find clarity and understanding amidst the tumult of emotions that come and go. My hope is that by sharing my journey, it may resonate with you as a reader, offering insights and comfort along the way

Multifaceted Grief Experiences

Grief is a multifaceted journey, weaving through the fabric of our lives in various forms. In 2018, we lost my husband's mom. It's not so much the loss that bothers me since she was in her 90s, it is remembering the difficult details we walked through with her in her last couple of years of life. Now, we grieve the loss of family gatherings as we once knew them with 'gran'.

In 2019, I lost my beloved dog of fourteen years. We walked through stress prior to her final day as well. I was the main dog walker so now I grieve the memories of our many walks together.

Then, in 2020, I lost my mom. Also, in her 90s and still living in her home of 55 years, her body finally gave out due to heart failure. She was lucid, upright, but ready to go as catching her breath was becoming more difficult. We grieve the loss of this grandma too, and now both my husband and I are orphans with no living parent.

Pandemic Grief

Another form of grief the entire world faced has to do with the changes that occurred during the Covid-19 pandemic. For some, jobs vanished, businesses shuttered, and the normalcy and relationships we clung to dissipated like smoke. I don't know about you, but I haven't fully rebounded yet.

The Grief of Transition

Then there's the grief of transition—the bittersweet farewell to a career at retirement age realizing that opportunities for new beginnings wane as the years advance and jobs are given to the younger set or ended due to technology takeovers.

Children leaving the nest heralds a different sort of loss, a nostalgia for the bustling energy of family life we once knew.

I've traversed through a myriad of these upheavals in the past seven years, each one carving its own notch in my heart. Coupled with the natural ebb of dopamine that comes with age, life can feel like a shadow of its former vibrant self. At least, it has for me. And I'm taking small steps forward to shake it.

Plodding Through

Amidst the melancholy, though, glimmers of solace emerge. For instance, I had prayed for months for guidance on finding a new fitness group to join. I spent hours searching online for a suitable program. Finally, the end of February 2024, God answered that prayer. My new exercise classes, with mostly older men and women, have been a lifeline and shining light in my journey.

Watching favourite TV shows, planting flowers seeds indoors, and indulging in art projects has provided respite over the wintertime for me. But alas, I still feel restless which led me to consider if more than grief is going on.

Restless Feelings

As I've worked on this post, I've uncovered a pretty significant reason for my restlessness. It has to do with lacking significant connection and having unmet needs.

In grief we sometimes isolate. The pandemic forced us to isolate. As a result, many of us lost contact with our people. We are having to rebuild connection. And that's nothing new because all through life we have to rebuild.

I've not only uncovered my own unmet longings for connection, but also for meaning and fulfillment. My paid writing gigs slowed during the pandemic and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) often contributed to brain fog so I decided to call myself semi-retired and step away from pursuing work.

I hoped adopting that title would take the pressure off, but adding on a significant birthday marker has done a bit of a job on me. I'm trying to enjoy myself, rest, and relax, but I still crave ways to be useful.

An Epiphany about Needs 

Working on this post has led to a great epiphany for me personally. I am aware of how essential it is I acknowledge and validate both unresolved grief and unmet longings. They are both valid and deserving of attention and support.

Google Images

In high school sociology class I learned of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (pictured above). It's not as though I've been unaware of the importance of having these needs met. But I know all too well, they often aren't met. For myself, an introvert and melancholic, meeting them is like trying to keep balloons in the air.

Having been trained as a Christian Life Purpose Coach®, I am intimately familiar with the profound yearnings women harbour for a sense of purpose and the deep desire to witness tangible outcomes from the expression of their passions. We yearn for a holistic sense of well-being encompassing our body, mind, and soul no matter our age or life stage. The needs are many.

Goals Toward Wholeness

Through my research, I was able to construct a list of needs I'd like to have addressed even as I process grief. My list includes these:

• Affirmation
• A Feeling of Community
• A Sense Connection and Belonging
• Being Noticed
• Being Understood
• Fulfillment
• Gratitude
• Joy
• Love
• Meaningful Activities
• Meaningful Conversation
• Purpose: Contributing to Something Larger than Self
• Recognition
• Significance
• Spiritual fulfillment
• Wholeness

What can I do with this list?

What can you do with this list?

The above can become a prayer list. 

The above list can become an action list.

The above list can become a values filter for making future decisions. 

Holding on to Hope and Faith

I hold onto the hope that with the thaw of winter's chill and the bloom of spring, my spirits will lift especially as I take one step at a time as God opens my path.

Longings for connection, purpose, and all those items on the above list represent fundamental human needs that make up our very SOUL. And when our SOUL is healthy, we have peace and joy.

And when our needs go unfulfilled, we can feel lonely, dissatisfied, and sad--feelings that mimic grief.

The journey toward finding solutions takes time, patience and self-compassion. First comes awareness, then comes a journey of taking steps no matter how small.

Will you go on such a journey too?

Remember to ask God to lead the way. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and be kind to yourself during moments of difficulty or setbacks (which there are sure to be). Your well-being is worth the investment!

Do You Get Caught Up in the Game of False Guilt?

Do you find yourself often saying "I need to . . . " or "I should..."  (fill in the blank).

We have many needs. Some are real. We need housing, food, water, clothing. We also need relationships, wisdom, and balanced mental health. We need exercise, to clean our home, and to buy groceries.

Other needs are fabrications; you see a TV show and you covet what the actors are doing and their fictitious relationships. You read online articles about others and wish for their life. You scroll Facebook and start comparing yourself to others.

It's important to live in reality--in the purpose God made you for--and to recognize fantasy, coveting, and worldly voices when you come across them. 

When you say "I should..." that's another example of being tempted into a life other than God has planned for you. It's like living under a harsh taskmaster. The word "should" is a control word when used against others. When you say he or she or you should be doing... it implies that you think you know what another person should be doing or that you're not doing enough.

Put your should in check. 

God is graceful, gentle, peaceful, and doesn't care about half the things you think you or another person should be doing. God can nudge you or another person with the plan of action he has in mind and speak directly to you or them. Are you patient to wait for him to do that? 

It's easy to fall into a mindset of guilt and pressure, criticizing yourself for not doing more, not eating better, not getting enough done in a day, and so on. No, we aren't to be lazy or inactive. Faith without works is dead. But acting in faith over force is much better.  

Choose peace, pacing, and gentleness as you go through your day. Put down false guilt, and don't throw false guilt onto those around you.  

The Half-Life Reflection

I've been following some interesting stories on Twitter X where victims of abuse are finally telling their stories. There is no timeline as to when a person becomes triggered by a past experience or sees a need to share their story. There is no timeline for when a memory returns.

Often, a person sees a why for telling their story. They feel sharing the details will help them release the final remnants of the memory. Something in them wants others to know what they went through. And I agree with this as I have felt that way at times as well. I also agree with the idea that memories can fade to trick us over time. So we must be careful in the story we tell.

Some of the events being shared on Twitter happened years ago. At the time, with no social media to broadcast on, individuals handled life alone unable to pay the cost of therapy or unable to get past the stigma attached to "seeing a shrink". Or, they did not fully understand the issue then, but gained clarity later in life.

As for social media--in some cases, it didn't exist at the time of a person's trauma. Now it is our community centre.

*The World Wide Web became available April 30, 1993
*Google was founded on September 4, 1998
*Facebook was created February 4, 2004
*Twitter was created in March 2006

A story told now that is 20, 30, or even 40 years old is not any less vital to tell than one that just occurred. Or do you disagree?

An acquaintance of mine is sharing her story on this blog and in a memoir she wrote a couple of years ago. Perhaps you will support her by reading her story.

What story do you have to tell? Have you written your story into a blog or ebook? Have you shared it on social media or with a professional therapist? Is it time to share those details?

Time to Change Some Habits or Routines?

We do many things in life out of habit or routine. Some routines are good for us. They provide context and stability. Others need to change based on life phase. 

During different seasons, I have varying habits and routines. I set different rules for myself in winter than in summer. I have different rules for myself when doing paid projects with deadlines than I have now in semi-retirement. 

Some habits have to do with our mindset in that we default to a certain way of thinking. We can think in black and white instead of grey. We might default to saying no too often, to thinking why we can't do something, to making excuses, and more. It is important to keep our thoughts in check to see if they are serving us in the best way possible. 

 

Christian women want to excel and do our best for God, our family, and mankind. Sometimes that means breaking old habits and mindsets and developing new ones. 

A Christian speaker I listen to shared that rather than focus on the old habit or routine, we should simply start a new one and the old one will be quickly pushed aside. That sounds like good advice! Is it doable?

Old habits do need a replacement habit if we're to truly break away and move forward. Old thoughts need to be dismissed in favour of more helpful, positive thoughts. 

Habit change requires:

1. recognizing which old habit, routine, or mindset it's time to change
2. recognizing a new habit to put in its place
3. recognizing what the new habit might do for us.
4. implementing the new habit gracefully and consistently with patience
5. realizing a shift will occur that may feel uncomfortable

 

Artwork by Rosalie Garde 

• Have you identified some habits to change? 
• Do you need to adopt some new ways of thinking? 
• Have you asked God if there are any new habits or routines he wants you to adopt?

What will you begin with?

Pace Yourself

Let me add, I've learned a lot in the last few years about my need to pace myself. I have chronic fatigue. I can't do what I could at 30. I believe in making choices that will serve me and not overwhelm me. I believe in sustainable changes. 

When making plans for change, do consider your personal time, energy level, and ability to sustain the new habit change. This is why life coaches like to use the term baby step. It's okay to take one small step at a time over plunging in to make quick habit changes.

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Examples of possible habit changes:

• Watch the time you spend on social media and limit it.
• Catch yourself when beginning to feel angry and reframe what is triggering you.
• Put items away after using them.
• Compliment people more often.
• Run your Roomba more often.
• Tidy your desk weekly.
• Pray before letting your mind get worked up.
• Put laundry away as it's done. 
• Quit second-guessing yourself. 
• Analyze what might be adding unnecessary stress to your life. 
• Incorporate mindfulness or meditation into your daily routine to reduce stress.
• Prioritize regular physical activity, even if it's just a short walk or some light stretching.
• Prioritize healthy sleep.
• Quit the constant search for better and be content and thankful for all you have.
• Pat yourself on the back more frequently.

Unfortunate Abuser Protection Tactics Used in the Church

The church is being sifted it seems. I follow numerous USA accounts on 'X' (formerly Twitter) and am shocked by the recent surge in reports exposing various forms of abuse within the church. Some instances date back years, only now coming to light. The range of abuses includes pedophilia, sexual abuse, abuse of power, financial exploitation, and more.

Lori Adams-Brown, Podcast Host & Exec Producer posted an inciteful thread on her X account on February 2, 2024, calling out tactics used by what she calls predapastors to gaslight or silence followers.

Adams-Brown's thread is incredibly significant and warrants sharing. It's crucial to pay close attention and assess whether you might be in an environment that exhibits such concerning traits within the church you frequent.

Adams-Brown says, "Predapastors groom their congregations so when their abuse is exposed and/or they are arrested for their crimes, the congregation knows exactly what to say to control the narrative, silence whistleblowers, and rally behind the abusive pastor. 

"I hear these things often:

1. “We are praying for the pastor.” (This centers on the abuser, not the victims.)

2. “There are people out to get him.” (#DARVO 2 make u believe the abuser is a victim)

3. “The accuser is trying to use this to build their career.” (This is an easy sell if the accuser is a woman.)"

(Break here to give readers the definition of #DARVO:

#DARVO

Deny

Attack

Reverse the roles of

Victim & Offender

A tactic used to avoid taking responsibility & shifting blame onto their victim.)

Adams-Brown goes on,

4. “God has forgiven the pastor.” (Implying you should also forgive, forget and be business as usual too.) 

5. “God has big plans for the pastor.” (Grandiosity to distract from abuse.) 

6. “Who among us hasn’t sinned?” (Downplaying abuse/crime.) 

7. “We shouldn’t judge.” (#DARVO)

8. “We need to be unified.” (Culty language not to unify around the victim, but around abuser, intended to silence #whistleblowers.)

9. “Spiritual warfare,” or “God wants to do big things, and it needs to start with us.” (Using fear to imply you are on the wrong side if u speak.)

10. “We have to change this way of thinking that is judgmental.” (Get in line, and don’t talk about Bruno.)

11. “We are no one. The only one who can judge is God.” (Worm theology.)"

An added post from X user Joan,

"12. There are still good things happening here. People are getting saved. Look at the bigger picture. This is just the work of the enemy going after our church because we are doing such a good work."

These are good cautions for us all. Let us be vigilant and discerning in our faith communities. The revelations surfacing demand our attention and call for collective introspection. 

May this awareness prompt us to foster environments of transparency, accountability, and support within our churches. Together, let's strive for a community that stands against any form of abuse, ensuring the well-being of all its members.