The Pressure to Find Life Purose or Reinvent Ourselves

For many years I heard a message repeated in Christian circles: that every person has one specific calling they are meant to discover and pursue.

But as time went on, I questioned that theory. It just wasn't true for me. 

I realize now, as I've done more study, that I was caught up in cultural messenging. 

By the late 1990s and early 2000s, a strong message developed in Christian circles, business, leadership, and life-coaching circles: that every person supposedly has one defining mission or “calling.” 

I could see how that idea worked well for certain public figures—entrepreneurs, pastors, authors, founders—usually men with careers. Yes, my husband's calling is clearly to be a geotechnical engineer. But for many of us who chose to be at-home moms, it just didn't apply. 

In my life coach training, one trainer scolded me (it felt like a scolding). She had said to not base my life on a life coaching career. And I broke into tears. I replied, "But this is all I've got." You see, after years of searching for my next thing, I met the founder of a coaching course online and she called me from California to Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada to explain the course to me. I was extatic that God had finally clarified my calling. And so I took life coach training. And speaking with this trainer was a module I was required to take. 

I described to her I'd left the workforce to be a fulltime mom. And whether she thought that was important or not didn't matter to me. It was part of my life calling. There is nothing wrong with spending some time being a fulltime at-home mom. 

Her scolding came in the form of shock that I would not have a job or career alongside being a mom! She then urged me to "get out there" and find a job! 

RETURN TO WORK?

Many women who took time off their career to care for children met with similar circumstances as I did. I was trained as a secretary, a title later changed by workplaces to "Administrative Assistant". 

In the past, we were expected to be highly trusted and expertly trained in computer skills. The role required discretion, organization, communication skills, and loyalty. Multitasking was a huge part of most roles. This career is no longer what it once was. 

As technology changed, many of these positions were reduced, redefined, or spread across multiple roles. Suddenly, my job title was obsolete. Returning to the same type of job later meant such work no longer existed in the same form.

Being a mom is full of special moments!

FOR SOME BUT NOT FOR ALL 

Some people like my spouse have a single visible vocation that runs through their whole life, while others contribute in other ways. I see that my path was one of engaging in patterns of service, reliability, encouragement, organization, and care across many settings in many low pay or volunteer roles. What was always central was whether I'd consulted God or not. All is done in His service, afterall. 

The second pattern of gentle service is a quieter calling, but common. For many people, especially women balancing family and church or community service, life looks more like a series of meaningful roles rather than a single defining platform.

My journey included relocations, family needs, changing seasons, and unexpected opportunities. I served in one place for a while, then another. I didn't put my finger on my big IT. I just served where I could. 

Not every life is meant to be summarized as one mission statement. Some lives are more accurately described as a thread of service woven through many seasons.

Today's Culture

Today’s culture has similar confusing messages to navigate. Today women are often encouraged to “reinvent themselves” in midlife—to launch something new, build a platform, or pursue a visible dream. While those opportunities can be exciting for some, and work out very well, the message can also create a quiet pressure: that if you are not doing something impressive, you may be missing your purpose.

I bought into some of that thinking myself. Creating a website for my coaching, editing, and writing felt satisfying. It gave me something concrete to point to. It helped me feel defined, as if I had finally put a label on what I did.

Yet over time, I realized something important. The website did not really change who I was. It simply organized the small pieces of work I had already been doing.

EXPAND YOUR TERRITORY

Recently I heard singer, Jordan McCullough from American Idol describe his journey in a way that resonated with me. His goal had been to serve as a worship leader in church ministry. When the opportunity for American Idol came along, he said he saw it as a chance to “expand his territory.”

That phrase struck me.

Looking back, I can see that many of the changes in my own life were not about reinventing myself at all. They were simply moments where my territory expanded a little—new experiences, new people, new ways of serving.

Perhaps the question is not always “What impressive thing should I build next?”

Perhaps the real question is “Where is God expanding my territory in this season?”

 

Trust God in Managing your Invisible Illness

I want to write, but I have been struggling with brain fog. And for this blog, I've been struggling with how to frame the the topic I want to write on which is that of invisible illness. 

I don't want to make the post all about me. I kid you not, the first draft was all about me. And writing it was helpful--to me--but you'd be bored. 

The point of this blog that I've been adding to now for 16 years, was initially to advertise my services as a Christian Life Purpose Coach. As my work in that area waned, my purpose for blog posts became about promoting my ebooks and generally trying to encourage others. 

God has called me to be a writer first and foremost and to use my gift of encouragement where I can. I try to focus on pointing women to greater trust in their creator, to offer them other perspectives I hope will bring clarity, to help them tap into joy, and to see their own life purpose as they choose to serve God. With that in mind, let's talk invisible illness. 

Let me be clear, there are MANY invisible illnesses and conditions women deal with. You would never have seen the terrible PMS and PMDD I endured. It was invisible. You would not see my headaches, my muscle pain, the eight months of face pain I lived through, the torn ligament in my knee, the constant ringing of tinnitus, the fibroids, or the diagnosis of type 2 diabetes.

These struggles were largely unseen by others, but they were never unseen by God. They were challenges He allowed in my life.

And through each one, I faced it, carried it, and kept walking forward.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

For years I suspected that I was not built quite the same as many other women. I have always had boundless ideas—but not boundless energy. Perhaps I had more energy in my younger years, but as time has passed, that energy has steadily diminished. Over the past three or four years in particular, the fatigue has become much more problematic. I sleep, a lot. 

Over the last few years, my doctor ordered numerous tests to look for possible causes of my fatigue. One by one, the usual explanations have been ruled out. While he did not formally give me the label of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), after studying the symptoms myself, I recognize that my experience closely matches what many others with the label describe.

So I told my doctor something simple: I will manage my fatigue.

God Reveals 

I've heard it said that God reveals what he wants you to know when he wants you want to know it. And now, with the revelation of CFS, I understand so much more. 

I see why driving an hour in 2014 with my sister who likes to talk exhausted me. I was sitting in the truck not driving, that shouldn't be stressful, right?  The meeting we were headed to would be stressful though for both of us. But now that I've learned more about CFS, I see that socializing or merely listening to someone for an hour each way in a truck can be a trigger of CFS as mentally taxing situations can lead to physical fatigue and post exertional malaise (PEM). 

I see why I had to ask guests to go home after they'd been at my home for a swim for several hours. I was done. I see why after going to church on Sundays I wanted to sleep the rest of the afternoon. I also see why we stopped going to church Sunday mornings, because getting up, showering and being attentive for over an hour was becoming more and more taxing. 

I've learned through the study of CFS and in forums with others who suffer with such, that showering can be exhausting. I noticed that without anyone mentioning it first. Showering, washing my hair, drying it, and styling it are a quadruple whammo for me on many days. 

What I mean by whammo is it puts my body into Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM).  The feeling I get when in PEM is much more than simple fatigue as I might expect from aging. It is not about being lazy (as I sometimes blamed myself). It's about more than a blood sugar crash. It's about being wiped out. PEM means I get exhausted and need to lay down usually falling asleep sometimes for hours.

Some who struggle with PEM have described it as feeling as though there is a poison in their body. And I know what they mean. I've also had that feeling.

And the only cure is to rest.  

Up until now, I have spent years questioning what was wrong with me. I've tried supplements. I exercised thinking if I could just get into better shape I'd have more energy. I dialogued with a naturopath. I studied adrenal fatigue, parasites, and more. 

STRONGHOLDS 

I don’t know if you are familiar with the Christian term stronghold. If not, I can explain what I mean by it.

For years I lived under several of them. (I still need to recognize new ones in relation to my current life phase too while dealing with CFS.) 

One stronghold was the belief that I should be out working a regular paid job instead of working from home as a freelance web content writer for what often felt like peanuts. Another was the belief that I should be able to volunteer the way so many other women do. And another was the thought that with all the exercise I have done, I should be losing weight—not gaining it. (That is a topic for another blog.)

I call these “strongholds” because they were persistent thoughts that lodged themselves in my mind and quietly accused me of not measuring up. They set up expectations that my body, my circumstances, and my life were not always able to meet. Over time, those thoughts can become surprisingly powerful over my moods. 

I did apply for many outside-of-the-home jobs. And doors didn't open. One I applied to would include doing home care for seniors. It seemed logical one day, but the next I realized I could hardly manage my own housework and yardwork without ending up wiped out with pain in my back and legs. I was experiencing post-exertional malaise (PEM) at the time without having a name for it. 

I simply assumed I was a flip flopper with no commitment to anything new. But God spoke to my gut and said, "this is not for you, dear." 

I now see what God knew all along (that I was struggling with CFS) which is why he gave me such a supportive husband and the desire to stay home to raise my children and to work from home. God spared me from more excess exhaustion.

I see now I was not a failure, I was not too incompetent to get a fulltime job, I was not being lazy, I was not a bore staying home so much. My fatigue was about more than not being in good enough shape physically. I was simply struggling with hidden illness.  

A Christian Point of View 

We don't always see why God has us where He does. We don’t always understand why our path looks different from someone else’s, or why certain doors never open for us. But Scripture reminds me that God is still at work in the details of our lives. As Psalm 138:8 says, “The Lord will perfect that which concerns me.” In other words, He is faithfully shaping the very things that concern us, even when we cannot see the full picture yet.

That truth has helped me loosen the grip of those old strongholds and trust that my life—exactly as it is being lived—is still under His care and guidance.

I always want to do more than I can. My imagination is huge and creative. I do have good days and accomplish a lot. But I have just as many days of fatigue where I have to push myself, or stay in bed!

My goal as I walk this revealed journey is to stop being hard on myself. I start each day asking God to help me use my ENERGY in the best ways possible. 

I am being kinder to myself. I have learned I need to adjust my expectations even more as I PACE myself. 

I have learned sitting around doing what seems like nothing is okay. 

I still do gardening and yardwork, but I do about a quarter of the amount I might have years ago. I tell myself to walk slowly, to putter, and to skip extra trips back and forth the the garage to fetch things. 

I could go on and on, but I won't. I'm fortunate my CFS is somewhat mild to moderate and not severe. I don't like it, but I am glad to understand it more as time goes on. 

Party Followup

I recently decided to revisit some of my older posts and give them a light edit. Yes, I’ve been a paid content writer for many years. And no, what you read here may not reflect the polished, multi-draft work I once submitted to professional editors. If that sounds like a disclaimer, it is. 

At times, I’m surprised by the errors and the rough structure I find. But I’ve come to see this space differently. A blog, for me, is less about perfection and more about honesty. These posts don’t go through multiple revisions or an editorial team. They are written in real time, as I am living and learning. They are often published the same day I write them.

Managing ME/CFS has meant adjusting my expectations even further. Brain fog is real, and it’s one of the reasons I’ve stepped away from paid writing. Still, the instinct to write remains. Writers must write.

So this is where I continue—sharing updates as I’m able, refining when I can, and allowing the words to come as they are.

Post Summer Party Report

I re-read a post here. It was about planning a backyard party in 2024 against my better judgment. 

I didn't want to disappoint my husband who suggested the event. I wanted our adult children to see some of their extended family. I tried to simplify the menu and routine, give explicit instructions to the guests, write myself a schedule, and pace myself. 

I framed it as a test I was to walk through. 

Now for the honest report.

It was a disaster for my health.

On paper, it looked manageable: buffet-style, food kept warm. I'd even splurged on a 3-pot warmer set. Guests would be arriving between 1 and 5 p.m. But the reality is, the timing shifted! Early guests cancelled! Swimmers arrived hungry. Out-of-town family didn’t appear until much later. Before I knew it, my head was spinning--exactly what I didn't want to happen. 

I had tried to accommodate dietary preferences, which added complexity to what was already meant to be simple. When the final dish didn’t cooperate and appliances failed, I found myself scrambling.

There’s a particular pressure that comes when people are hungry and looking at you for answers. I heard lots of, "I thought you said..."

Was I really being called on to explain myself? 

With arrival times constantly shifting, ravioli not cooking through fast enough, extension cords not working, my ire was up! Add in, me trying to act as both maître d’ and hostess while staying within my physical limits, the strain compounded quickly.

The result wasn’t just a stressful afternoon. It was a physical crash that lasted at least a week. The kind of Post Exertional Malaise (PEM) that reminds me, firmly, that good intentions do not override chronic illness. 

I went into hosting this party believing perhaps God was testing me—that with His guidance I could pull it off. I plunged ahead, which is exactly what those of us with ME/CFS are cautioned not to do. Push through. Override the signals. Trust adrenaline.

A week later, I was mostly bedridden. Completely depleted.

I had prayed. I asked the Lord for wisdom, for simplicity, for help in the planning. But prayer is not a substitute for the physical boundaries He has written into my body at this life stage. No amount of careful preparation—or sincere desire to serve—can erase the cost of overextension.

And so the lesson became clearer than the menu plan ever was: it is time to lay down hosting large gatherings in this way. 

I recall my own mom layed down hosting the entire extended family when she was about my age too. Now I see why. And I've stuck to this new rule I've made for myself more or less over the last couple of years.  

This blog post isn’t written to assign fault. I'm an overthinker and worried I'd failed. I wanted everyone to have a nice time. I got no feedback. Not one "thank you for having us."

What I got was creamed. I faced the reality of living with ME/CFS. If I host, cook and try to adapt, there is a margin I must respect. When I cross it, my body knows. I pay a price. 

Early March Report

This winter has been long and sleepy for me yet again. But I understand my body better and the need to give it permission to rest.

I have also realized many others have quietly fallen into similar patterns since the pandemic—working from home or staying in more, ordering in, living in softer routines. I'm not the only person for whom life has changed! And being north of 60 may have something to do with it.

Here in Ontario, Canada, winter doesn’t always invite you outside. Snowbanks, cold wind, gray skies, ice. It’s easy to slip into what almost feels like a kind of human hibernation. But I helped with visiting feral cats, fed the wildbirds daily, took photos of beautiful scenes, and enjoyed Internet scrolling. My indoor chores included one task here, one there--nothing dramatic.

Now I’m looking toward spring but know it's best to adjust my expectations. It won't be 20 C here until May!

So. . . I’m not planning a sudden transformation. My plan is simply to wake up slowly with the season. When the snow melts, I’ll start with small outdoor walks again. I'll catch a few rays on my porch. I'll get to my gentle exercise class and maybe add in one more or use my home equipment. I'll prepare my body for gardening!


Winter can quiet our spirits, but it doesn’t have the final word. We will rise again! 😅

May the warmer days revive our energy. May we find fresh joy in simple things and energy to step out into the unusual! And may God grant each of us new purpose for the days ahead.

Are there Simply Too Many Church Options?

A Mennonite Church

Are there Simply Too Many Options?

Much like the overwhelming selection of 100 to 200 cereal options in a grocery store, the variety of church styles today is vast. When there was just one community church, it served as a central hub for worship, social life, and support, fostering a sense of unity and shared purpose. Now, with so many churches offering different styles of worship, doctrines, and approaches to community life, it can lead to fragmentation.

This diversity likely stems from the desire to cater to different preferences and spiritual needs. While I won’t delve into the history of how each denomination or individual church formed its unique format, I will say that my husband and I have visited many different types of churches over the years and now have a few thoughts and opinions about them.

(We job transferred three times and in each new location, we visited a number of churches before choosing one.)

We all worship the same God, but do it differently.  Of course, what matters are the basics. But atmosphere matters too.

As I lay in bed last night mulling over this topic, I reflected on a number of church settings I've visited:

1. Church plant using a school auditorium: (We visited more than one of these). 

This type of location may be hot without air conditioning. The chairs may be uncomfortable chairs, the acoustics strange. Reliance on parishioners is steep for set up, tear down, and help with childcare or teaching. 

For us, there was pastoral pressure for more involvement and outreach, but being part of this church we were part of was not our paid work. My husband had a fulltime job. I had young children to care for. 

Church at this type of facility, while exciting in some ways, felt temporary.

2. Church in large facility: 

Generally, this church is in a very nice space with rooms for every activity. There may still be some pressure to volunteer. Cliques may exist between long-time members and newcomers, making connection difficult. While this setting feels like a proper church, the larger crowd can leave you feeling like a spectator, unsure how to meet people or fit in.

3. Church in a movie theatre (with or without popcorn): Yes, we experienced this too. For us it was unique, comfortable seating, but it did not give us a feeling of a full church experience. We knew it was temporary. Logicstics are difficult in this type of setting. 

4. Church startup in shared facility: This one we attended felt copycat. This group of believers tried to use the formats as larger churches do. They formed a standard worship team and projected the same popular worship songs on a screen. 

Because it was in a rented building, the full church feeling was not possible. This church failed to takeoff. 

5. Church in a commercial building with satellite feed but on-campus worship team: This one also felt like something was missing in the full church experience. People didn't seem to inteact which is okay for introverts who just want to sit in church. But for others who want connections, it was heartbreaking. 

This type of church gave us a spectator feeling. 

6. Church in large renovated facility from the same denomination you were brought up in and found to be legalistic: 

We visited churches that were of the same denomination I grew up in. But in younger years, once leaving my hometown, I learned what legalism is and saw how much I'd been indoctrinated into such. I feared getting to know people in that denomination again. 

7. Old church building:  These churches still exist though they aren't well attended these days. I couldn't help but smell old person on the cushioned seats and I wondered how often they were cleaned. I heard creaky floors. Most in the pews had silver hair. The music from hymnals drags and is a little off key.

8. Small church meeting in rented facility: This church had moved around a bit trying to find home while still being able to pay the rent. The interaction was good as prayer requests were taken from those seated. It was intimate, but too intimate for some. It is difficult to keep going to a small church like this where you can't help but be noticed. And with being noticed, it's hard not to wonder what commitment others might expect of you.

 

________________________

Valid considerations:

I’ve experienced every type of church described above. Choosing a church to become part of is complicated.