Trust God in Managing your Invisible Illness

I want to write, but I have been struggling with brain fog. And for this blog, I've been struggling with how to frame the the topic I want to write on which is that of invisible illness. 

I don't want to make the post all about me. I kid you not, the first draft was all about me. And writing it was helpful--to me--but you'd be bored. 

The point of this blog that I've been adding to now for 16 years, was initially to advertise my services as a Christian Life Purpose Coach. As my work in that area waned, my purpose for blog posts became about promoting my ebooks and generally trying to encourage others. 

God has called me to be a writer first and foremost and to use my gift of encouragement where I can. I try to focus on pointing women to greater trust in their creator, to offer them other perspectives I hope will bring clarity, to help them tap into joy, and to see their own life purpose as they choose to serve God. With that in mind, let's talk invisible illness. 

Let me be clear, there are MANY invisible illnesses and conditions women deal with. You would never have seen the terrible PMS and PMDD I endured. It was invisible. You would not see my headaches, my muscle pain, the eight months of face pain I lived through, the torn ligament in my knee, the constant ringing of tinnitus, the fibroids, or the diagnosis of type 2 diabetes.

These struggles were largely unseen by others, but they were never unseen by God. They were challenges He allowed in my life.

And through each one, I faced it, carried it, and kept walking forward.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

For years I suspected that I was not built quite the same as many other women. I have always had boundless ideas—but not boundless energy. Perhaps I had more energy in my younger years, but as time has passed, that energy has steadily diminished. Over the past three or four years in particular, the fatigue has become much more problematic. I sleep, a lot. 

Over the last few years, my doctor ordered numerous tests to look for possible causes of my fatigue. One by one, the usual explanations have been ruled out. While he did not formally give me the label of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), after studying the symptoms myself, I recognize that my experience closely matches what many others with the label describe.

So I told my doctor something simple: I will manage my fatigue.

God Reveals 

I've heard it said that God reveals what he wants you to know when he wants you want to know it. And now, with the revelation of CFS, I understand so much more. 

I see why driving an hour in 2014 with my sister who likes to talk exhausted me. I was sitting in the truck not driving, that shouldn't be stressful, right?  The meeting we were headed to would be stressful though for both of us. But now that I've learned more about CFS, I see that socializing or merely listening to someone for an hour each way in a truck can be a trigger of CFS as mentally taxing situations can lead to physical fatigue and post exertional malaise (PEM). 

I see why I had to ask guests to go home after they'd been at my home for a swim for several hours. I was done. I see why after going to church on Sundays I wanted to sleep the rest of the afternoon. I also see why we stopped going to church Sunday mornings, because getting up, showering and being attentive for over an hour was becoming more and more taxing. 

I've learned through the study of CFS and in forums with others who suffer with such, that showering can be exhausting. I noticed that without anyone mentioning it first. Showering, washing my hair, drying it, and styling it are a quadruple whammo for me on many days. 

What I mean by whammo is it puts my body into Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM).  The feeling I get when in PEM is much more than simple fatigue as I might expect from aging. It is not about being lazy (as I sometimes blamed myself). It's about more than a blood sugar crash. It's about being wiped out. PEM means I get exhausted and need to lay down usually falling asleep sometimes for hours.

Some who struggle with PEM have described it as feeling as though there is a poison in their body. And I know what they mean. I've also had that feeling.

And the only cure is to rest.  

Up until now, I have spent years questioning what was wrong with me. I've tried supplements. I exercised thinking if I could just get into better shape I'd have more energy. I dialogued with a naturopath. I studied adrenal fatigue, parasites, and more. 

STRONGHOLDS 

I don’t know if you are familiar with the Christian term stronghold. If not, I can explain what I mean by it.

For years I lived under several of them. (I still need to recognize new ones in relation to my current life phase too while dealing with CFS.) 

One stronghold was the belief that I should be out working a regular paid job instead of working from home as a freelance web content writer for what often felt like peanuts. Another was the belief that I should be able to volunteer the way so many other women do. And another was the thought that with all the exercise I have done, I should be losing weight—not gaining it. (That is a topic for another blog.)

I call these “strongholds” because they were persistent thoughts that lodged themselves in my mind and quietly accused me of not measuring up. They set up expectations that my body, my circumstances, and my life were not always able to meet. Over time, those thoughts can become surprisingly powerful over my moods. 

I did apply for many outside-of-the-home jobs. And doors didn't open. One I applied to would include doing home care for seniors. It seemed logical one day, but the next I realized I could hardly manage my own housework and yardwork without ending up wiped out with pain in my back and legs. I was experiencing post-exertional malaise (PEM) at the time without having a name for it. 

I simply assumed I was a flip flopper with no commitment to anything new. But God spoke to my gut and said, "this is not for you, dear." 

I now see what God knew all along (that I was struggling with CFS) which is why he gave me such a supportive husband and the desire to stay home to raise my children and to work from home. God spared me from more excess exhaustion.

I see now I was not a failure, I was not too incompetent to get a fulltime job, I was not being lazy, I was not a bore staying home so much. My fatigue was about more than not being in good enough shape physically. I was simply struggling with hidden illness.  

A Christian Point of View 

We don't always see why God has us where He does. We don’t always understand why our path looks different from someone else’s, or why certain doors never open for us. But Scripture reminds me that God is still at work in the details of our lives. As Psalm 138:8 says, “The Lord will perfect that which concerns me.” In other words, He is faithfully shaping the very things that concern us, even when we cannot see the full picture yet.

That truth has helped me loosen the grip of those old strongholds and trust that my life—exactly as it is being lived—is still under His care and guidance.

I always want to do more than I can. My imagination is huge and creative. I do have good days and accomplish a lot. But I have just as many days of fatigue where I have to push myself, or stay in bed!

My goal as I walk this revealed journey is to stop being hard on myself. I start each day asking God to help me use my ENERGY in the best ways possible. 

I am being kinder to myself. I have learned I need to adjust my expectations even more as I PACE myself. 

I have learned sitting around doing what seems like nothing is okay. 

I still do gardening and yardwork, but I do about a quarter of the amount I might have years ago. I tell myself to walk slowly, to putter, and to skip extra trips back and forth the the garage to fetch things. 

I could go on and on, but I won't. I'm fortunate my CFS is somewhat mild to moderate and not severe. I don't like it, but I am glad to understand it more as time goes on. 

Party Followup

I recently decided to revisit some of my older posts and give them a light edit. Yes, I’ve been a paid content writer for many years. And no, what you read here may not reflect the polished, multi-draft work I once submitted to professional editors. If that sounds like a disclaimer, it is. 

At times, I’m surprised by the errors and the rough structure I find. But I’ve come to see this space differently. A blog, for me, is less about perfection and more about honesty. These posts don’t go through multiple revisions or an editorial team. They are written in real time, as I am living and learning. They are often published the same day I write them.

Managing ME/CFS has meant adjusting my expectations even further. Brain fog is real, and it’s one of the reasons I’ve stepped away from paid writing. Still, the instinct to write remains. Writers must write.

So this is where I continue—sharing updates as I’m able, refining when I can, and allowing the words to come as they are.

Post Summer Party Report

I re-read a post here. It was about planning a backyard party in 2024 against my better judgment. 

I didn't want to disappoint my husband who suggested the event. I wanted our adult children to see some of their extended family. I tried to simplify the menu and routine, give explicit instructions to the guests, write myself a schedule, and pace myself. 

I framed it as a test I was to walk through. 

Now for the honest report.

It was a disaster for my health.

On paper, it looked manageable: buffet-style, food kept warm. I'd even splurged on a 3-pot warmer set. Guests would be arriving between 1 and 5 p.m. But the reality is, the timing shifted! Early guests cancelled! Swimmers arrived hungry. Out-of-town family didn’t appear until much later. Before I knew it, my head was spinning--exactly what I didn't want to happen. 

I had tried to accommodate dietary preferences, which added complexity to what was already meant to be simple. When the final dish didn’t cooperate and appliances failed, I found myself scrambling.

There’s a particular pressure that comes when people are hungry and looking at you for answers. I heard lots of, "I thought you said..."

Was I really being called on to explain myself? 

With arrival times constantly shifting, ravioli not cooking through fast enough, extension cords not working, my ire was up! Add in, me trying to act as both maître d’ and hostess while staying within my physical limits, the strain compounded quickly.

The result wasn’t just a stressful afternoon. It was a physical crash that lasted at least a week. The kind of Post Exertional Malaise (PEM) that reminds me, firmly, that good intentions do not override chronic illness. 

I went into hosting this party believing perhaps God was testing me—that with His guidance I could pull it off. I plunged ahead, which is exactly what those of us with ME/CFS are cautioned not to do. Push through. Override the signals. Trust adrenaline.

A week later, I was mostly bedridden. Completely depleted.

I had prayed. I asked the Lord for wisdom, for simplicity, for help in the planning. But prayer is not a substitute for the physical boundaries He has written into my body at this life stage. No amount of careful preparation—or sincere desire to serve—can erase the cost of overextension.

And so the lesson became clearer than the menu plan ever was: it is time to lay down hosting large gatherings in this way. 

I recall my own mom layed down hosting the entire extended family when she was about my age too. Now I see why. And I've stuck to this new rule I've made for myself more or less over the last couple of years.  

This blog post isn’t written to assign fault. I'm an overthinker and worried I'd failed. I wanted everyone to have a nice time. I got no feedback. Not one "thank you for having us."

What I got was creamed. I faced the reality of living with ME/CFS. If I host, cook and try to adapt, there is a margin I must respect. When I cross it, my body knows. I pay a price. 

Early March Report

This winter has been long and sleepy for me yet again. But I understand my body better and the need to give it permission to rest.

I have also realized many others have quietly fallen into similar patterns since the pandemic—working from home or staying in more, ordering in, living in softer routines. I'm not the only person for whom life has changed! And being north of 60 may have something to do with it.

Here in Ontario, Canada, winter doesn’t always invite you outside. Snowbanks, cold wind, gray skies, ice. It’s easy to slip into what almost feels like a kind of human hibernation. But I helped with visiting feral cats, fed the wildbirds daily, took photos of beautiful scenes, and enjoyed Internet scrolling. My indoor chores included one task here, one there--nothing dramatic.

Now I’m looking toward spring but know it's best to adjust my expectations. It won't be 20 C here until May!

So. . . I’m not planning a sudden transformation. My plan is simply to wake up slowly with the season. When the snow melts, I’ll start with small outdoor walks again. I'll catch a few rays on my porch. I'll get to my gentle exercise class and maybe add in one more or use my home equipment. I'll prepare my body for gardening!


Winter can quiet our spirits, but it doesn’t have the final word. We will rise again! 😅

May the warmer days revive our energy. May we find fresh joy in simple things and energy to step out into the unusual! And may God grant each of us new purpose for the days ahead.

Are there Simply Too Many Church Options?

A Mennonite Church

Are there Simply Too Many Options?

Much like the overwhelming selection of 100 to 200 cereal options in a grocery store, the variety of church styles today is vast. When there was just one community church, it served as a central hub for worship, social life, and support, fostering a sense of unity and shared purpose. Now, with so many churches offering different styles of worship, doctrines, and approaches to community life, it can lead to fragmentation.

This diversity likely stems from the desire to cater to different preferences and spiritual needs. While I won’t delve into the history of how each denomination or individual church formed its unique format, I will say that my husband and I have visited many different types of churches over the years and now have a few thoughts and opinions about them.

(We job transferred three times and in each new location, we visited a number of churches before choosing one.)

We all worship the same God, but do it differently.  Of course, what matters are the basics. But atmosphere matters too.

As I lay in bed last night mulling over this topic, I reflected on a number of church settings I've visited:

1. Church plant using a school auditorium: (We visited more than one of these). 

This type of location may be hot without air conditioning. The chairs may be uncomfortable chairs, the acoustics strange. Reliance on parishioners is steep for set up, tear down, and help with childcare or teaching. 

For us, there was pastoral pressure for more involvement and outreach, but being part of this church we were part of was not our paid work. My husband had a fulltime job. I had young children to care for. 

Church at this type of facility, while exciting in some ways, felt temporary.

2. Church in large facility: 

Generally, this church is in a very nice space with rooms for every activity. There may still be some pressure to volunteer. Cliques may exist between long-time members and newcomers, making connection difficult. While this setting feels like a proper church, the larger crowd can leave you feeling like a spectator, unsure how to meet people or fit in.

3. Church in a movie theatre (with or without popcorn): Yes, we experienced this too. For us it was unique, comfortable seating, but it did not give us a feeling of a full church experience. We knew it was temporary. Logicstics are difficult in this type of setting. 

4. Church startup in shared facility: This one we attended felt copycat. This group of believers tried to use the formats as larger churches do. They formed a standard worship team and projected the same popular worship songs on a screen. 

Because it was in a rented building, the full church feeling was not possible. This church failed to takeoff. 

5. Church in a commercial building with satellite feed but on-campus worship team: This one also felt like something was missing in the full church experience. People didn't seem to inteact which is okay for introverts who just want to sit in church. But for others who want connections, it was heartbreaking. 

This type of church gave us a spectator feeling. 

6. Church in large renovated facility from the same denomination you were brought up in and found to be legalistic: 

We visited churches that were of the same denomination I grew up in. But in younger years, once leaving my hometown, I learned what legalism is and saw how much I'd been indoctrinated into such. I feared getting to know people in that denomination again. 

7. Old church building:  These churches still exist though they aren't well attended these days. I couldn't help but smell old person on the cushioned seats and I wondered how often they were cleaned. I heard creaky floors. Most in the pews had silver hair. The music from hymnals drags and is a little off key.

8. Small church meeting in rented facility: This church had moved around a bit trying to find home while still being able to pay the rent. The interaction was good as prayer requests were taken from those seated. It was intimate, but too intimate for some. It is difficult to keep going to a small church like this where you can't help but be noticed. And with being noticed, it's hard not to wonder what commitment others might expect of you.

 

________________________

Valid considerations:

I’ve experienced every type of church described above. Choosing a church to become part of is complicated. 

Stepping into 2025

 

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

As we step into the new year of 2025, it’s a great time to pause and reflect on the lessons and growth from the past twelve months. Have you taken time yet to reflect on what lessons you learnd in 2024? 

Here are a few prompts I jotted down in my journal: 

• Applaud yourself, and focus on what is going well
• Ask for or hire help as needed
• Be generous, give when you can
• Be yourself, not what someone wants you to be
• Celebrate that you are healthy!
• Don't catastrophize about what might happen, live in the present
• Give your problems to God, let go
• Let go of trying to control everything
• Nurture your faith, and tend your soul
• Pray for others and your own situations
• Set your boundaries and stick to them realizing they are for your own good
• Speak less, listen more
• Stop being a perfectionist
• Trust God, don't worry so much
• Watch less TV news, there's a lot of fear-mongering going on

One of my huge personal realizations this year has been understanding the root of my ongoing fatigue and its connection to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and associated waves of myalgic pain. Gaining clarity and names for these challenges has been transformative—it’s given me a direction for managing them better so that I have the best quality of life I can have. And ruling out other possible issues has been liberating. All other tests were negative. I'm healthy!

Through research, medical advice, and trial and error, a key word emerged that shaped my year. It is what professionals recommend for those with. That word is pacing. 

Learning to pace myself intentionally has been a game changer, and it’s something I encourage everyone to consider for themselves. Whether you choose to pace yourself for your health, your goals, or simply balancing life’s demands, pacing can make a difference. 

What word or concept shaped your 2024? How might it guide you in 2025?

A New Season, A New Blog

I'm excited to announce the launch of yet another blog! 

I considered adding the new posts here to save time, but after some prayer and a timely email I received, I felt led to create a dedicated space on a new Blogger platform. This new blog dives into the growing conversation around the deconstruction of Christian faith. If you're curious about why church pews are becoming emptier, why your own desire to attend church in person might be fading, or what others are doing in response, I invite you to tune in and explore these topics with me.

The new blog is here

Reporting on Visitor's Stats and Thank You to Readers

Ruthven

Before I write a new post on a new theme, I thought I'd pause to say thank you to all who have visited this blog. I've kept it up because it still gets 'views'. And, it's a great place for me to express myself. 

Here are the latests stats. And this is only from 2011. (I started this blog around 2008 and rebooted it in 2011.)

Back in the early days, I had access to more analytics Blogger offered with the simple click of a link. I was able to see what visitors had typed into the search bar to arrive here. I was able to see what part of the world visitors were from. That gave me insight into what topics to study and write on. But as blogger evolved, the tool was changed and tracking analytics became complicated. So now, I can only guess how visitors arrived here and from where. 

The world has become self-serve. The makers of these apps seem to assume everyone is a tech guru. I'm just not that interested in learning more technical stuff these days! So I will enjoy what I do have access to and understand and pray no more big changes are made to Blogger. 

I've seen this blog grow and evolve since 2008 as I've ploded along on my own evolving faith journey. The journey of writing posts has been a rewarding one--my own little place on the Internet where I can attempt to encourage women. My hidde ministry.

I've had seasons of not adding to the blog. The pandemic was part of that. The special project I got involved with in 2021 was part of that. The brain fog from #CFS has added to it. I've contemplated packing it up. I've asked God for insight. The fact that the blog still gets views after all this time is a reminder of why I continue. 

It’s not just the numbers I'm grateful for, I'm grateful for the personal space it offers me to reflect and express myself and to share about the new things I've learned.

Your support means a lot and has kept me going! 

Navigating Faith and Fatigue: Trusting God Through Tests

This is a followup to my last post on Invisible Illness and God's goodness. 

Based on tracking my symptoms over time—and comparing my experience with established guidelines—I fall into the mild category of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS). I have many good days. But when I overextend myself, physically or mentally, I can trigger Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM). If PEM becomes ongoing, my functioning can temporarily shift into what would be considered a moderate level.

For me, PEM often appears 12 to 24 hours after I’ve pushed beyond my limits and may last a day or two. The trigger isn’t always dramatic. It can be yardwork, housework, an intense social interaction, pushing too hard in an exercise class, or simply a combination of smaller efforts that add up.

During a significant bout of PEM, even ordinary tasks—making dinner, changing the bed, folding laundry, sitting down to write—can feel disproportionately difficult. The way forward is not to push through, but to pace myself: to plan margins, build in rest, and allow space for recovery before a crash comes. 

I've been noticing lately, though, there isn't one standard rule. I might have overdone something 12 hours in the past triggering my fatigue, but that might be added on to several new things that add to my konking out. Scrolling the Internet, for instance, can be very fatiguing. Recovering from an injury is a hidden activity that causes physical stress. 

Mind Management 

When I found myself missing church due to PEM I felt some guilt. I wondered if i was making excuses for not going to church. Then a gentleman on a CFS forum said, perhaps God says resting in bed, for you, is a form of worship. Imagine that! 

Once he said that, I enjoyed curling up in bed with my mind focused on God's peace instead of guilt. 

I do want to go on enjoying life as all women do with invisible illness. On good days, I sometimes tell myself I made it all up. I don't have CFS. 

But then I have a funk again. I MUST count on the Lord to guide me. And, my part, is to dedicate myself to trusting God enough that I choose to listen for his nudges instead of quickly making decisions on my own.

MY TESTS

We are hosting a backyard party this weekend. I know the important thing is to have energy to greet guests and allow them a good time, but I have a tendancy to over-clean both the outdoor gardens and the indoors and fancy things up. And now, that kind of work is exhausting.

Planning this gathering seems to be a test. I sense God is suggesting these areas of testing:

• Managing stress. Will I resist overdoing everything? 
• Pacing. Will I sit down and rest when He tells me to, or will I keep moving and use up my energy?
• Asking Him for help. Will I say even quick prayers to ask him for help with areas I am tempted to worry about?
• Staying Creative. I'm keenly aware of how creative God is. Instead of moving ahead with my crazy ideas, will I pause and ask if the crazy idea is from him or simply one more thing that uses up my energy. (Think of adding golf cups to some artificial turf we have to make a putting green.)

Proverbs 17 says, “Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord tests the heart.”

Why would he test me? What about my heart is being tested in this health challenge? What about hosting a party am I being tested with?

I believe He wants me to learn a new way of living that causes me to rely more on him for every little detail. He wants it to work out. He doesn't plan for my disaster. He wants me to practice pacing myself. And if I do it right this time, I will have proven I can do it again.

Don't we all want God to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant?" As a response to listening for his nudges and following through with them?

“His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’” Matthew 25:23

Benefits of Tests

God’s testing with invisible illness is an invitation to do life with more ease as I choose to slow down. Tests are opportunities for growth and a more intimate relationship with God, and ultimately character development.

With any test or health situation you're facing, remember: God understands your limitations and loves you regardless of how much you do, how often you pitch in to help others, how clean your home is, and how often you physically attend church.

Maintaining your faith walk can look different at different stages of life, and that's okay. What matters is your heart and your intention. So be kind to yourself and rely on the Lord for strength. Jesus invites us to bring our burdens to Him and find rest in Him. I love that. 

Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” 

A Unique Spiritual Practice

 Taking Steps out of Hibernation

For much of the fall and winter, I'd been in a season of rest. Have you too? 

Last September, I heard God nudge me to embrace this concept of rest and I came up with the acronym 'Rebel' as noted in the photo. 

Be a REBEL - to rest, recover, restore, and just be (for a season).

Breakdown of what 'Be a Rebel' means.

Amidst the resting (and I did a lot of that), I created more art, used my new stretching table at home for exercise, visited social media regularly, learned more about gardening and art, and decluttered various areas of my home. 

Grief and Needs

Through this time, God taught me a lot about pacing myself, being patient, and helped me identify the role grief and unmet needs were playing. See this blog post for more on that. 

As I desired to step out more with the turn of the calendar, I invested in a new self-care habit. My massage therapist installed an infrared sauna in her salon. (It was an idea I'd suggested to her.) Coinciding with my church's New Year's prayer and fasting suggestion, I decided I would use the sauna for prayer and self-care. And, I hoped it would bounce me out of some Season Affective Disorder I felt after the Christmas season. (Especially since we are no longer gathering with extended family and had been home much of the time.)

The results were immediate where my depression was concerned. And, the prayer practice was eye-opening. I learned how easily distracted I get. I saw I might have ADHD even. And so, I disciplined myself to have a silent sit with God for the full sauna time. It was great. And I felt spiritually renewed after too. 

No, we don't have to go into a sauna to pray. Prayer and meditation can be done in many places. But I like the therapeutic benefits sauna gives me too. It's a time for just me to get away out of the house. 

 

Is it Grief, or is it Unmet Needs?

 

Last year's sedum and petunias 
in my garden

ON GRIEF:

Posted by "Mindful Christianity"

In one of my ebooks, I mentioned grief. I emphasized we grieve many things throughout life, events as simple as dropping a delicious sandwich on the floor by mistake. The grief, in that case, is momentary. And then there is more long-term grief due to the loss of a loved one or a beloved pet. 

Today, I'm delving into the topic of grief, drawing from my own experiences with it over the past seven years. Through introspection and writing, I find clarity and understanding amidst the tumult of emotions that come and go. My hope is that by sharing my journey, it may resonate with you as a reader, offering insights and comfort along the way

Multifaceted Grief Experiences

Grief is a multifaceted journey, weaving through the fabric of our lives in various forms. In 2018, we lost my husband's mom. It's not so much the loss that bothers me since she was in her 90s, it is remembering the difficult details we walked through with her in her last couple of years of life. Now, we grieve the loss of family gatherings as we once knew them with 'gran'.

In 2019, I lost my beloved dog of fourteen years. We walked through stress prior to her final day as well. I was the main dog walker so now I grieve the memories of our many walks together.

Then, in 2020, I lost my mom. Also, in her 90s and still living in her home of 55 years, her body finally gave out due to heart failure. She was lucid, upright, but ready to go as catching her breath was becoming more difficult. We grieve the loss of this grandma too, and now both my husband and I are orphans with no living parent.

Pandemic Grief

Another form of grief the entire world faced has to do with the changes that occurred during the Covid-19 pandemic. For some, jobs vanished, businesses shuttered, and the normalcy and relationships we clung to dissipated like smoke. I don't know about you, but I haven't fully rebounded yet.

The Grief of Transition

Then there's the grief of transition—the bittersweet farewell to a career at retirement age realizing that opportunities for new beginnings wane as the years advance and jobs are given to the younger set or ended due to technology takeovers.

Children leaving the nest heralds a different sort of loss, a nostalgia for the bustling energy of family life we once knew.

I've traversed through a myriad of these upheavals in the past seven years, each one carving its own notch in my heart. Coupled with the natural ebb of dopamine that comes with age, life can feel like a shadow of its former vibrant self. At least, it has for me. And I'm taking small steps forward to shake it.

Plodding Through

Amidst the melancholy, though, glimmers of solace emerge. For instance, I had prayed for months for guidance on finding a new fitness group to join. I spent hours searching online for a suitable program. Finally, the end of February 2024, God answered that prayer. My new exercise classes, with mostly older men and women, have been a lifeline and shining light in my journey.

Watching favourite TV shows, planting flowers seeds indoors, and indulging in art projects has provided respite over the wintertime for me. But alas, I still feel restless which led me to consider if more than grief is going on.

Restless Feelings

As I've worked on this post, I've uncovered a pretty significant reason for my restlessness. It has to do with lacking significant connection and having unmet needs.

In grief we sometimes isolate. The pandemic forced us to isolate. As a result, many of us lost contact with our people. We are having to rebuild connection. And that's nothing new because all through life we have to rebuild.

I've not only uncovered my own unmet longings for connection, but also for meaning and fulfillment. My paid writing gigs slowed during the pandemic and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) often contributed to brain fog so I decided to call myself semi-retired and step away from pursuing work.

I hoped adopting that title would take the pressure off, but adding on a significant birthday marker has done a bit of a job on me. I'm trying to enjoy myself, rest, and relax, but I still crave ways to be useful.

An Epiphany about Needs 

Working on this post has led to a great epiphany for me personally. I am aware of how essential it is I acknowledge and validate both unresolved grief and unmet longings. They are both valid and deserving of attention and support.

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In high school sociology class I learned of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (pictured above). It's not as though I've been unaware of the importance of having these needs met. But I know all too well, they often aren't met. For myself, an introvert and melancholic, meeting them is like trying to keep balloons in the air.

Having been trained as a Christian Life Purpose Coach®, I am intimately familiar with the profound yearnings women harbour for a sense of purpose and the deep desire to witness tangible outcomes from the expression of their passions. We yearn for a holistic sense of well-being encompassing our body, mind, and soul no matter our age or life stage. The needs are many.

Goals Toward Wholeness

Through my research, I was able to construct a list of needs I'd like to have addressed even as I process grief. My list includes these:

• Affirmation
• A Feeling of Community
• A Sense Connection and Belonging
• Being Noticed
• Being Understood
• Fulfillment
• Gratitude
• Joy
• Love
• Meaningful Activities
• Meaningful Conversation
• Purpose: Contributing to Something Larger than Self
• Recognition
• Significance
• Spiritual fulfillment
• Wholeness

What can I do with this list?

What can you do with this list?

The above can become a prayer list. 

The above list can become an action list.

The above list can become a values filter for making future decisions. 

Holding on to Hope and Faith

I hold onto the hope that with the thaw of winter's chill and the bloom of spring, my spirits will lift especially as I take one step at a time as God opens my path.

Longings for connection, purpose, and all those items on the above list represent fundamental human needs that make up our very SOUL. And when our SOUL is healthy, we have peace and joy.

And when our needs go unfulfilled, we can feel lonely, dissatisfied, and sad--feelings that mimic grief.

The journey toward finding solutions takes time, patience and self-compassion. First comes awareness, then comes a journey of taking steps no matter how small.

Will you go on such a journey too?

Remember to ask God to lead the way. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and be kind to yourself during moments of difficulty or setbacks (which there are sure to be). Your well-being is worth the investment!