Friday, July 22, 2016

Children become Adults and Midlife Mom's Lose Control

By now, 2016, I have one daughter who completed 5 yrs university, graduating with a BSc Biology. She has worked fulltime 1.5 yrs already. She live on her own those 6 years. My son is entering 4th year university. He lives in student housing during the school year.

So I've walked the waters of nest-emptying. I know my journey is somewhat similar to many, but also vastly different.

The Cost of Independence 

One thing that should be similar is experiencing a sense of loss of control once our children become adults. The adult process starts at 18 and moves forward to 21 where major independence is exercised by most. And that is a good thing. Step by step we should step back. 

My weaning process started much earlier in some ways. At age 10, I taught my kids to do their own laundry and I taught my son how to make simple meals. From then on they've continued to do their own laundry and know how to feed themselves.

Loosening the reins on our adult children is both freeing and frustrating. There are many things we'd like to lecture them on. There are things we'd like to do for them. We might be tempted to arrange things behind the scenes for them. We might try to pick out clothes. We might print out articles for them to read. But much of that will backfire.

When our adult children make decisions we disagree with or fail to take action when we think they should we realize we no longer have control.

Lack of Control and Anxiety

I read recently that anxiety is a response when individuals sense a lack of control. If anxiety is left to fester, it can turn into depression.

No wonder midlife women fight depression so often.

As moms of young children we had a lot of control. We controlled their activity choices, their payments to events, their clothing choices, their bedroom organization, on and on. Most of us found it fun.

But now as moms of adult children those decisions aren't ours to make. We're off the job!

When they go away to school, we have no control over their schedule, breakfast choices, friends, church attendance, and so on.

Where do You Stand?

Are you still trying to dominate your adult child's life? Have you learned how to let go?

Do you feel a little frustrated or anxious over a loss of control? Do you worry about whether to step in or not? Have you had trouble letting go?

This area of releasing our children and its affects on us is an issue most of us need to address.

What to Do

Perhaps the best way to overcome anxiety is to focus on what is within our control. Sometimes that's as basic as cleaning the dust off our shelves and controlling our own schedule.

Of course, praying is within our control too. But be careful not to use prayer like one might cast a magic spell.  That is, it's not up to us to try to manipulate God into making things go the way we want them to. It's better to give God the choice of what should happen.

Some of our children may go through difficulties as consequences of their choices. God may allow them to make mistakes in the same way he allowed Job to be afflicted or some to become lame before he healed them.

Though we want to spare our children difficulty, keep them pleasing to God, and have happy outcomes, we can't force it to happen our way. Our resolve is to pray that should there be consequences of their choices, that God will draw them to himself and use their difficulties for his purposes.

It can also be helpful to tell yourself, "This isn't the end of the story."

Sunday, July 17, 2016

I Used a Christian-Focused Life Coach When I Needed One

When I was in the chair in the photo above, I thought I had the best house. It was brand new when we bought it eight years prior. We had the fancy deck built and the basement professionally finished. The large kitchen picture window overlooked a walking trail and sports field that was usually alive with activity. My children had made friends that were important to them.

Moving Panic

When my husband got notice of changes at work and decided we should move back East, I panicked. In my heart, I'd wanted to move back for quite a while. That was where my family were. All that was deeply familiar to me was there.

Yet my children had friends they'd have to leave. We'd be starting over yet again.

Support Needed 

Since the work issues were confidential, and the wife is never consulted anyhow, I had no one to vent to. I was angry at what had played out where my husband was concerned. I hated seeing him mismanaged. That our entire life structure was about to be overturned was disregarded by his management team.

His company did have a counselling program, but it was a random draw as to whom I would get as a counselor. Being a deeply spiritual person, I knew I needed the perspective of another believer. And that is when I hired a Christian-based life coach. Phone calls with her provided me with a safe place to vent, think through various issues, and find some form of support.


One of her statements offered valuable clarity. While listening to me compare where we were with where we were thinking of moving to, she noted one description was about a house, while the other was about people. We'd just paid a lot of money to finish our basement, and we liked the park, etc. But moving would allow me to join in with more extended family events and perhaps catch up with some old friends. Her comment magnified a need I'd had for some time. I knew the move would be good.

A New Home 

I needed my life coach's support at the time, and met with her after our move too.

After a couple of trips across provinces to look at houses, we finally found one. It was a lot more money than the one we'd left behind. It had a huge yard, a pool, a large garden, and the though of maintaining it was intimidating. But because we'd made every decision with prayer, we knew God was in it.

I rarely think of my previous home now. I don't care about it. My children have adjusted. We've learned how to manage our larger home. And, last year, we were able to pay it off.  Because it has a pool, family have visited more than they would have if we didn't have a pool.  It's been great.

I tell you this story to outline how hiring a life coach can help with situations most just deal with. You don't have to figure out your entire life with a life coach. You don't have to be searching for purpose. You can merely use her services for the confidential support she provides.

To contact me for life coaching or for a referral to one of my many life coach friends, feel free to email me. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

eBook for Midlife Christian Women - Don't Wilt!

I'm so relieved and yet excited that my newest eBook for midlife Christian women is finally on Kindle. I love the cover, do you?  (see photo to the right.)

I gasp when I realize how much work I put in over the year for a book Kindle suggests I sell at the $5 mark. And then, I only get a percentage for myself. If you ask me, no one has a right to complain about the content of something that cost them what they might spend in a dollar store.

Writing is something I do because I'm compelled to do it, not because it pays a lot.  It's something God has called me to do. I work with him. We collaborate.

I always have a message inside that needs to get out. My compassion for women walking through similar trials drives me to put my writing into a manner designed to be helpful. I want at least one point to make a woman say, "That point gives me peace."

What the Book's About

The idea for this book struck me when standing in my garden one summer, overcome with emotion. I was at a point of weakness, feeling God hadn't given me the answers I was looking for. Alas, I was wilting. (Wilting is what happens first before a plant dies, by the way.)

This book talks about God's answer to me that day. I had to go on a journey to decrypt the message. That's one reason the book took so long to write. Decryption was a long process.

That being said, here is a sneak peak at some of the prescriptions I've discovered may help a woman prevent wilting or recover from it:

~ A prescription for wilting is being content. ~

~ A prescription for preparing to bloom is reviewing where God has you planted. ~

~ A prescription to prevent wilting is stepping out and trying adventures on your own. ~

~ A prescription for growing strong roots and buds is nourishing your mind, spirit, and body. ~

Monday, June 27, 2016

New Book Ready for Midlife Nest-Emptying Women

Well, the moment of truth has arrived.  This new eBook has taken me almost a year to complete, and today I sent it into Kindle for review and upload. You'll find it here.

Over the months, the words built and were chopped only to be built and chopped again. I wanted it to contain a concise message. I hope many find it helpful.

If you pick it up an note any errors or omissions, please let me know politely. I am up to my eyeballs in re-reading it, but last minute cuts may have caused small issues I'd like to fix. I can go back into the document on Kindle and make slight changes, if needed.

In the meantime, I hope you will enjoy the raw story this book paints, that you will ask yourself the lists of questions, and that you will embrace the tips offered.

Thanks for being part of my journey.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Various Types of Coaching for Christian Women

I started my life coaching career with training as a Life Purpose Coach®. It uses a curriculum that guides women through assessments of various life areas. The goal is to help a woman define her calling, mission, purpose, and so on.

I found while coaching women through this process that other issues rose to the surface. That's fine because life coaching is about the full context of a woman's life.

Revolving Needs

(Some details changed to protect identities.) One woman I coached was in the empty nest looking for purpose as a former stay-at-home mom. Another had lost her job and was looking for support wading through that transition. Another was chronically depressed, seeing a counselor, but wanted more support. Another was so tied up helping in her husband's business that she felt frayed in her personal life. Yet another just wanted to fill the emotional void that haunted her.

Most wanted concrete answers--a sense of direction. The curriculum pointed each in several directions. Still, I know very well, there were unanswered questions.

How God Works

I'm pretty sure the journey through life coaching can feel fruitless for some because they expect by the end to have a great epiphany and know what to do next. I've decided it's imperative they know that God rarely points out big specific plans. His plan is that women draw near to him on a daily basis and proceed one small step at a time. These steps can be so small it seems as though nothing is happening.

I'm pretty convinced to succeed in life and to feel a life coaching process has worked for you, you'll need to see it as a step in your life journey--not a destination that answers all your questions through a few sessions.

It's important we learn to separate feelings from solutions. As with many things in life, it's not that we want a destination as much as we want to feel happy. When we go to the dentist it isn't because we want a filling, it's because we don't want to have tooth pain. When someone climbs a hydro tower and threatens to jump off it isn't because they want to die, it is because they don't want to feel depressed.

Often, we go hunting for a solution to fix how we're feeling. We look for a new job. We take a vacation. We assume if we just do this or that, that we'll be happy. It's not about the destination, though, it's about what we think the destination will do for us.

Of course, new destinations can snap us out of doldrums. A new job may be wonderful. A visit to the mall might get our eyes off our problem. A key to solving our pain is presenting our feelings to God and allowing him to meet our needs in whatever creative ways he chooses. 

I'm trying to say, quit trying to think so hard about what destination is alluding you. Quit applying for multiple jobs. Quit spending money on things you believe may fill your void.

If God thinks a new job is the answer, surely he'll open that door. But if he thinks a slower pace of life is what you need, he may keep the job door shut. But he won't leave you there.  He will change your circumstances, providing for your needs, and he will lift you up to greater fulfillment at the same time. It's inexplicable.

New Focus

I had been looking for purpose myself when God connected me with Katie Brazelton, the founder of the training I took. I was giddy with glee finding my thing--my new destination. But that wasn't the end of the story. I found too many uneventful days existed between clients. I felt unsupported as an entrepreneur. I was again at a point of screaming inside again for greater life purpose.

As I worked with one or two remaining clients, I branched out. I did some home staging for a realtor. I got hired to write web content from home. Then I got hired to do audio transcription from home. When my children graduated high school, I reassessed yet again. I backed away from telephone coaching, but I couldn't abandon it completely.

I'd been in peri-menopause, and with the addition of the empty nest highs and lows, discovered what some of the women I'd coached had expressed. I realized many of their issues were menopause, midlife, empty-nest, and family- circumstance related.

I had a big revelation that tools were needed for midlife Christian women. I decided a new angle needed to be introduced to the life purpose theme in life coaching sessions.

My eBooks and Coaching Practice 

I've now written several eBooks available on Amazon under the name Rose Garde. I'm about to release a new one any day now.

I'm pondering being available to help women walk through any of these eBooks with me over coaching sessions on the telephone. I am always still available for coaching by email. Pray with me as I consider my next step in this regard.