A New Season, A New Blog

I'm excited to announce the launch of yet another blog! 

I considered adding the new posts here to save time, but after some prayer and a timely email I received, I felt led to create a dedicated space on a new Blogger platform. This new blog dives into the growing conversation around the deconstruction of Christian faith. If you're curious about why church pews are becoming emptier, why your own desire to attend in person might be fading, or what others are doing in response, I invite you to tune in and explore these topics with me.

The new blog is here

Reporting on Visitor's Stats and Thank You to Readers

Ruthven

Before I write a new post on a new theme, I thought I'd pause to say thank you to all who have visited this blog. I've kept it up because it still gets 'views'. And, it's a great place for me to express myself. 

Here are the latests stats. And this is only from 2011. (I started this blog around 2008 and rebooted it in 2011.)

Back in the early days, I had access to more analytics Blogger offered with the simple click of a link. I was able to see what visitors had typed into the search bar to arrive here. I was able to see what part of the world visitors were from. That gave me insight into what topics to study and write on. But as blogger evolved, the tool was changed and tracking analytics became complicated. So now, I can only guess how visitors arrived here and from where. 

The world has become self-serve. The makers of these apps seem to assume everyone is a tech guru. I'm just not that interested in learning more technical stuff these days! So I will enjoy what I do have access to and understand and pray no more big changes are made to Blogger. 

I've seen this blog grow and evolve since 2008 as I've ploded along on my own evolving faith journey. The journey of writing posts has been a rewarding one--my own little place on the Internet where I can attempt to encourage women. My hidde ministry.

I've had seasons of not adding to the blog. The pandemic was part of that. The special project I got involved with in 2021 was part of that. The brain fog from #CFS has added to it. I've contemplated packing it up. I've asked God for insight. The fact that the blog still gets views after all this time is a reminder of why I continue. 

It’s not just the numbers I'm grateful for, I'm grateful for the personal space it offers me to reflect and express myself and to share about the new things I've learned.

Your support means a lot and has kept me going! 

Navigating Faith and Fatigue: Trusting God Through Tests

This is a followup to my last post on Invisible Illness and God's goodness. 

Based on a collection, over time, of my physical response to fatigue, compared to many others, I'm in the mild category of chronic fatigue. That means I have many good days, but if I over-do it physcially or mentally, I may fall into Post Exertional Malaise (PEM). Ongoing PEM moves me into the moderate category. 

My PEM often arrives 12 to 24 hours after I've overdone something and lasts for a day or two. That something could include yardwork, housework, an exhausting social encounter, working out too hard at my exercise class, or a combination of such. 

When in a bad bout of PEM, I find simple tasks such as making dinner, changing a bed, folding towels, sitting to write, and so on, taxing. The answer is to pace myself and plan for rests and recovery. 

Mind Management 

When I found myself missing church due to PEM I felt some guilt. I wondered if i was making excuses for not going to church. Then a gentleman on a CFS forum said, perhaps God says resting in bed, for you, is a form of worship. Imagine that! 

Once he said that, I enjoyed curling up in bed with my mind focused on God's peace instead of guilt. 

I do want to go on enjoying life as all women do with invisible illness. On good days, I sometimes tell myself I made it all up. I don't have CFS. 

But then I have a funk again. I MUST count on the Lord to guide me. And, my part, is to dedicate myself to trusting God enough that I choose to listen for his nudges instead of quickly making decisions on my own.

MY TESTS

We are hosting a backyard party this weekend. I know the important thing is to have energy to greet guests and allow them a good time, but I have a tendancy to over-clean both the outdoor gardens and the indoors and fancy things up. And now, that kind of work is exhausting.

Planning this gathering seems to be a test. I sense God is suggesting these areas of testing:

• Stress management. Will I resist overdoing everything? 
• Pacing. Will I sit down and rest when He tells me to, or will I keep moving and use up my energy?
• Asking Him for help. Will I say even quick prayers to ask him for help with areas I am tempted to worry about?
• Creativity. I'm keenly aware of how creative God is. Instead of moving ahead with my crazy ideas, will I pause and ask if the crazy idea is from him or simply one more thing that uses up my energy. (Think of adding golf cups to some artificial turf we have to make it a putting green.)

Proverbs 17 says, “Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord tests the heart.”

Why would he test me? What about my heart is being tested in this health challenge? What about hosting a party am I being tested with?

I believe He wants me to learn a new way of living that causes me to rely more on him for every little detail. He wants it to work out. He doesn't plan for my disaster. He wants me to practice pacing myself. And if I do it right this time, I will have proven I can do it again.

Don't we all want God to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant?" As a response to listening for his nudges and following through with them?

“His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’” Matthew 25:23

Benefits of Tests

God’s testing with invisible illness is an invitation to do life with more ease as I choose to slow down. Tests are opportunities for growth and a more intimate relationship with God, and ultimately character development.

With any test or health situation you're facing, remember: God understands your limitations and loves you regardless of how much you do, how often you pitch in to help others, how clean your home is, and how often you physically attend church.

Maintaining your faith walk can look different at different stages of life, and that's okay. What matters is your heart and your intention. So be kind to yourself and rely on the Lord for strength. Jesus invites us to bring our burdens to Him and find rest in Him. I love that. 

Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” 

Trust God in Managing your Invisible Illness

I want to write, but I have been struggling with brain fog. And for this blog, I've been struggling with how to frame the the topic I want to write on which is that of invisible illness. 

I don't want to make the post all about me. I kid you not, the first draft was all about me. And writing it was helpful--to me. But you'd be bored. 

The point of this blog that I've been adding to now for 16 years, was initially to advertise my services as a Christian Life Purpose Coach. As my work in that area waned, my purpose for blog posts became about promoting my ebooks and generally trying to encourage others. 

God has called me to be a writer first and foremost and to use my gift of encouragement where I can. I try to focus on pointing women to greater trust in their creator, to offer them other perspectives I hope will bring clarity, to help them tap into joy, and to see their own life purpose as they choose to serve God. With that in mind, let's talk invisible illness. 

Let me be clear, there are MANY invisible illnesses and conditions women deal with. You would never have seen the terrible PMS or PMDD. You wouldn't see my headaches, my muscle pain, my eight-month-long face pain, my torn knee ligament, my tinnitus, my fibroids, my type 2 diabetes, and so on. These were challenges God knew about but allowed. And I took on every one of them and walked through each challenge.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

I had suspected for years that I'm not built like so many other women are. I have boundless ideas, but not boundless energy. I might have in my younger years, but as time has passed, my energy has waned. I became even more aware of the fatigue over the past three or four years (and, no, I have never had the Covid virus). 

I've now been through numerous tests ordered by my doctor to check for possible causes for my fatigue. All else has been ruled out as a possible cause so, while he didn't give me the official Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) label, I'm adopting it as I've studied the symptoms online and mine measure up. I told my doctor "I will manage my fatigue." 

God Reveals 

I've heard it said that God reveals what he wants you to know when he wants you want to know it. And now, with the revelation of CFS, I understand so much more. 

I see why driving an hour in 2014 with my sister who likes to talk exhausted me. I was sitting in the truck not driving, that shouldn't be stressful, right?  The meeting we were headed to would be stressful though for both of us. But now that I've learned more about CFS, I see that socializing or merely listening to someone for an hour each way in a truck can be a trigger of CFS as mentally taxing situations can lead to physical fatigue and post exertional malaise (PEM). 

I see why I had to ask guests to go home after they'd been at my home for a swim for several hours. I was done. I see why after going to church on Sundays I wanted to sleep the rest of the afternoon. I also see why we stopped going to church Sunday mornings, because getting up, showering and being attentive for over an hour was becoming more and more taxing. 

I've learned through the study of CFS and in forums with others who suffer with such, that showering can be exhausting. I noticed that without anyone mentioning it first. Showering, washing my hair, drying it, and styling it are a quadruple whammo for me. 

What I mean by whammo is it puts my body into  Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM).  The feeling I get when in PEM is much more than simple fatigue as I might expect from aging. It is not about being lazy (as I sometimes blamed myself). It's about more than a blood sugar crash. It's about being wiped out. PEM means I get exhausted and need to lay down usually falling asleep.

Some who struggle with PEM have described it as feeling as though there is a poison in their body. And I know what they mean. I've also had that feeling.

And the only cure is to rest.  

Up until now, I have spent years questioning what was wrong with me. I tried supplements. I exercised thinking if I could just get into better shape I'd have more energy. I dialogued with a naturopath. I studied adrenal fatigue, parasites, and more. 

For years, I lived with a stronghold that I should be out working a regular paid job not working from home for peanuts. Another stronghold was I should be able to do volunteer work like so many other women are. And another: I should be losing weight after all my exercise, not gaining weight! (that's another blog topic.)

I did apply for many outside-of-the-home jobs. And doors didn't open. One I applied to would include doing home care for seniors. It seemed logical one day, but the next I realized I could hardly manage my own housework and yardwork without ending up wiped out with pain in my back and legs. I was experiencing post-exertional malaise (PEM) without having a name for it. 

I simply assumed I was a flip flopper with no commitment to anything new. But God spoke to my gut and said, "not for you, dear." 

I now see what God knew all along (that I was struggling with CFS) which is why he gave me such a supportive husband and the desire to stay home to raise my children and to work from home. God spared me from excess exhaustion.

I see now I was not a failure, I was not too incompetent to get a fulltime job, I was not being lazy, I was not a bore staying home so much. My fatigue was about more than not being in good enough shape physically. I was simply struggling with hidden illness.  

We don't always see why God has us where He does. We don't see why our path is different. We don't always understand why doors don't open for us. But if God allows, we will see how perfect our life really is.

"God will perfect that which concerns us," (Psalm 138:8).

I always want to do more than I can. My imagination is huge and creative. I do have good days and accomplish a lot. But I have just as many days of fatigue where I have to push myself, or stay in bed!

My goal as I walk this revealed journey is to stop being hard on myself. I start each day asking God to help me use my ENERGY in the best ways possible. 

I am being kinder to myself. I have learned I need to adjust my expectations even more as I PACE myself. 

I have learned sitting around doing what seems like nothing is okay. 

I still do gardening and yardwork, but I do about a quarter of the amount I might have years ago. I tell myself to walk slowly, to putter, and to skip extra trips back and forth the the garage to fetch things. 

I could go on and on, but I won't. I'm fortunate my CFS is somewhat mild to moderate and not severe. If you suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome feel free to share in the comments or to email me your story. 

A Unique Spiritual Practice

 Taking Steps out of Hibernation

For much of the fall and winter, I'd been in a season of rest. Have you too? 

Last September, I heard God nudge me to embrace this concept of rest and I came up with the acronym 'Rebel' as noted in the photo. 

Be a REBEL - to rest, recover, restore, and just be (for a season).

Breakdown of what 'Be a Rebel' means.

Amidst the resting (and I did a lot of that), I created more art, used my new stretching table at home for exercise, visited social media regularly, learned more about gardening and art, and decluttered various areas of my home. 

Grief and Needs

Through this time, God taught me a lot about pacing myself, being patient, and helped me identify the role grief and unmet needs were playing. See this blog post for more on that. 

As I desired to step out more with the turn of the calendar, I invested in a new self-care habit. My massage therapist installed an infrared sauna in her salon. (It was an idea I'd suggested to her.) Coinciding with my church's New Year's prayer and fasting suggestion, I decided I would use the sauna for prayer and self-care. And, I hoped it would bounce me out of some Season Affective Disorder I felt after the Christmas season. (Especially since we are no longer gathering with extended family and had been home much of the time.)

The results were immediate where my depression was concerned. And, the prayer practice was eye-opening. I learned how easily distracted I get. I saw I might have ADHD even. And so, I disciplined myself to have a silent sit with God for the full sauna time. It was great. And I felt spiritually renewed after too. 

No, we don't have to go into a sauna to pray. Prayer and meditation can be done in many places. But I like the therapeutic benefits sauna gives me too. It's a time for just me to get away out of the house.