I just read a post I'd made in Facebook that came up on my memory wall.
Kids: "Why aren't there any cold cuts? I'm hungry, when is dinner? I need to go glasses shopping, I need new contacts..."
Me: $1000 in eye care spent in three days.
In the partly empty nest, we flip flop in our role as mom. I was glad to have a sense of freedom when they moved out, but they expected the same old mom when they came home for weekends or holidays. That was something to get used to. What boundaries would I set?
Well-before that, I knew my role was changing. A book on the seasons of parenting tipped me off to change from mentor to cheerleader--to step back and not helicopter.
But I've found, no matter what we think, we get surprised. Our child develops their own independent attitude--one with traits we might not like. They may make decisions we don't agree with. We are tempted to set them straight.
We also can't expect all children to be the same. How we deal with our child depends on the personality of the child. My son has needed far more prompting and assistance than my more self-assured daughter.
Not everyone will understand why I do what I do, and that's okay.
From Dr. Phil Show
I recently watched a doctor Phil show that disturbed me as I don't feel the mom had come to terms with the idea her daughter had grown up and that she needed to change her parenting style.
Yes, the daughter may have had a brain issue which caused her angry outbursts (her birth mother had taken drugs while pregnant), but the parents way of dealing with her now as a teen was, in my opinion, clearly part of her rebellion problem.
The mom had rules you might give a five-year old. It was well past time to change her parenting style. From observation, I felt this mother may have been stuck in fear of losing a role she loved.
One thing the mom wanted to control was her teen's cell phone activity. I know it is an oxymoron when Dr. Phil says to protect your teen by being aware of what they're doing online, but at the same time to not rip away their independence. It is a fine-line.
This mom would take away the teen's phone which is why she rebelled in many cases.Taking away technology today is like rolling up the sidewalk and breaking off a teen's social life.
For most of us--adults too--technology use is a must. There is no differentiation between using it for work and pleasure. Teens need it for school work, to get messages from classmates and friends, and to use it for fun.
I could be wrong, but I sensed the mom wanted to control the teen perhaps too much or in the wrong ways, which may be partly due to her not wanting her own role as mom to change. But her role must change.
If you're a mom feeling a lot of tension between a teen or early 20-yr old, look at your parenting style. There comes a point when you need to trust the training you've done with your child and let them go. You need to take the role of pray-er and trust God to direct your child.
A child who makes decisions on their own will learn from them. They will develop confidence when things go well, and learn to do things differently when things don't go well.
Making decisions is the way God develops character in all of us. By backing off and trusting God, you will find more peace and freedom.
When you feel frustrated ask God to show you if you are taking on worry you don't need to. Ask God if you are being too controlling. Set some boundaries about how far you will step in with opinions. Let your child grow up and separate from you successfully.
Above all, show love and approval more than distrust and disgust.